Thank The Beautiful Lawn Mower

I got horny today.

It’s been months since anything turned me on. I’m not sure why but nothing was doing it for me. I haven’t bothered with writing on here because I can’t write about sex if I can’t think about sex. For a couple months now all I wanted to do was cook new dessert recipes and play with my pug.

Until today, that is!

I want to play with the guy who will be dropping by to mow the lawn twice a month. That’s two times a month I’ll find a reason to be on my front deck. I don’t care if it’s 98 degrees outside! You gotta see this guy, he’s beautiful!

Mr. Beautiful is white, at least 6 foot 2, has a toned body and a medium kind of build, think like Ryan Reynolds. He’s got a bald head and a full dark beard. He has these big green eyes, and long dark lashes to match.

I wish that I could sneak and take a picture of him and post it on here.

But uh, yeah…
I shouldn’t have shook his hand.

Well, out of being how I am I had to, as we were conducting business, but I shouldn’t have. Had I known that my pussy would wake right up at that point, I would not have done it.
He shook my hand very well. I don’t like floppy fish handshakes, I prefer strong confident ones. His hand was larger than mine and he shook my hand like he meant business. He had smooth yet gruff hands. I can just about imagine his hands holding my ass cheeks while I rode him… I can almost feel him fingering my pussy while I beg for him to untie me…

You ever look into someone’s eyes and just know that you two would have awesome sex?

Well, if you haven’t, you gotta try it. This feeling can bring you to some places.

I feel like I have to go and play with myself just so I can relax.

My First Time Giving a Blowjob

I was about 18 when I first made my attempt at giving a blowjob. The guy was my age, just as sexually inexperienced as me, and he must have watched lots and lots of porn because some of the things he said would make you laugh.

He had very little confidence and he was not exactly the most proud to show off his body. He was a little chunky and while I liked it, he didn’t exactly share the same sentiment. So he took off his shorts and left his t-shirt on. I told him that he reminded me of a toddler who had thrown away his diaper and he giggled and bashfully stated that he was “still working on his stomach”. So I left it alone and was there naked. For some reason, I felt comfortable with him.

So, long story short, I get on my knees and he stands with his dick in my face and looking back, I wonder why he didn’t sit. Throughout this blowjob session, his knees buckled and he would grab the arm of the couch for balance and I’m sure if someone saw us they would have laughed. Did he think it was uncool to sit down and enjoy what was happening? Why didn’t I suggest it? Did I even know better?

The other tell-tale sign that we weren’t exactly professionals in this field was that he would try to recite stuff I knew that he had only heard in porn. Coming from a guy who didn’t have a potty mouth at all, “Suck it, Bitch” didn’t sound very sexy. He sounded like two parts I don’t want to offend you, one part “please” and one part “oh my god, someone has my cock in their mouth“. It just wasn’t sexy.

The other thing that he did that threw my shitty dick sucking “skills” for a loop was that he kept pushing my head down to get his cock further in my throat. I didn’t mind so much, but the entire process was new to me. I looked at it like swimming: When I go down, I gotta hold my breath and come up for air when I need to.

That is the most awful technique ever.

Imagine me, sucking dick for like ten seconds and coming up off the dick in order to breathe and then having him sort of smush my head down back onto his dick while I’m gasping for air. It’s not like he had the most confidence to really push hard, but still. He was fucking up what I thought was a good rhythm. These days, I’m a lot bit more experienced and I know how to coordinate breathing from my nose and sucking and swallowing and deep throating, almost all at the same damn time. There should be a girl scout badge for that accomplishment.

Keep Your Friends Close. Period.

I’ve never understood the warped logic of that saying

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer

Why would I want to do that? Why would I want to surround myself with people I have to look over my shoulder at?

I understand the idea of keeping abreast of someone’s actions and movements, but keeping them close sounds like you’ll be nice to them when you don’t want to.. Have to have them in your presence when you shouldn’t…

I’d would rather keep those that I trust and appreciate around me. There is no value in being fake and acting like I want someone around me when I don’t.

I’ve tried the ol’ “kill ’em with kindness” and it feels like bullshit. I won’t be rude or mean until I have to but feeling like I have to be exceptionally nice to someone when they don’t deserve it is way out of my area. I’m just disabled in that way, I guess. I’m entirely too rational and well-rounded to put myself in the position to stress myself out over watching some asshole when I don’t want to.

I Can Lick It and My Husband Won’t Be Mad

I had a convo with Blanco today and we were talking about who we would give eachother a “pass” for, meaning that if the opportunity arose at any point during our marriage, there are certain people we would be allowed to sleep with.

He said Beyonce. I totally get it. If Beyonce came up to me and offered, I wouldn’t pass either.

I said Edward Norton. Blanco laughs and goes “Sure. He’s scrawny anyway.”

Blanco says Jenifer Lewis. I’m cool with her. She’s his type, loud, opinionated, and quick to tear you a new one. (Totally not me… lol….)

I say Morris Chestnut. Blanco says no.

Well, he didn’t JUST say no. His exact words were “Absolutely, positively never going to happen.”

What sucks is that Morris Chestnut has been the man of my dreams since I saw him in Boyz in The Hood. His height, skin color, the sound of his voice… He just does it for me.

So, I’m trying to devise a way that I can have Morris Chestnut without actually having Morris Chestnut. I’ve come up with some ideas.

1. Morris Chestnut Ice Cream: I can lick it and my Husband shouldn’t be mad at all. It will be a chocolate ice cream with hand crafted chestnuts after Morris’ likeness. This will be expensive to make but.. So what.

2. Morris Chestnut lollipops: Similar in taste to a chocolate tootsie pop, the texture will be a hardened candy. The only difference is that the lollipop will be much larger than a regular lolly. In fact, it will be life-sized. And the model lolly will be fashioned after a naked Morris Chestnut. The best part about this lolly is that it will last for a while.

I would make a complete fool of myself with number 2. I would need a dark room and lots of privacy because I would be insanely ashamed if someone walked in and saw me doing all sorts of things to a big piece of candy.

Wet Dreams- Jessie Spano Edition (Elizabeth Berkley)

I know that Jessie Spano was just a character on a TV show… I know that she wouldn’t let any ol’ misogynistic comment slide… I know that she was at times too serious… But I appreciated those things about her.

Jessie just wanted a guy with a mind and some manners. I remember realizing that when I was younger. I also realized that little ol’ female me could do nothing for her but that didn’t stop me from wanting to.

I’ve always had a thing for tall, leggy women so Jessie was absolutely perfect for me. I always imagined making out with her. I could see her putting the same passion that she put into feminist subjects into her kisses.

The idea of making out with Jessie still makes me wet. I want to end up with my head between her legs, with her juices all over my mouth, her above me moaning And saying:

I’m so excited!!

I’m soooo excited!

Only difference is, she won’t cry after she says that… She’ll just cum like crazy while her clit pulsates on my tongue…

Even Though His Dick is Racist…

I can’t help but like John Mayer… Room For Squares is one of my favorite albums and I play his stuff constantly. Bigger Than My Body makes me cry. His live performances can give me chills.

In all fairness, he has a song called “My Stupid Mouth” where he describes himself as having no filter and it being a major fault of his.

Here are some lyrics:

We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess
with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what just slipped out and what went wrong

Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said, “Think before speaking”
No filter in my head
Oh, what’s a boy to do
I guess he better find one

I just can’t imagine being mad that someone doesn’t want to fuck me. In fact, it might make my life a little more easy if noone wanted to fuck me. I would have a lot more male friends.

This post is pretty random but John came to mind when I was looking to see who were the guests for Watch What Happens in the upcoming days. I hope that Andy Cohen asks him some good questions.

Wet Dreams- Kirstie Alley Edition

I’m tired of Kirstie Alley always losing weight. I’m all for having a healthy life and having a healthy body but I get tired of Kirstie Alley damn near trashing herself when she is on the heavier side.

I saw Kirstie Alley for the first time when I saw Look Who’s Talking. I thought that she was very funny and pretty in a non-conventional sort of way. Sooo, fast forward a few years to when she was a Jenny Craig spokesperson. I loved seeing how happy she appeared but I kept thinking “I fucking love you, big or small”.

I love her with a bit more weight on her because she has this awesome figure, complete with a booty and sexy, curvy thighs. I hate that society and Hollywood shits on the bigger woman so much. There aren’t many things that can make me happier than seeing a big, fine woman wearing a curve hugging dress that accentuates a sexy, womanly figure.

Kirstie Alley has always come across as likeable and witty. She’s the type of woman I would have wanted as a girlfriend, not just a sexual partner. I would want to go to the movies with Kirstie, just to see a comedy and see her laugh loudly. I would want to stay in the house and order food, and eat like messy people and drink wine and laugh. I couldn’t imagine not having fun with Kirstie.

She strikes me as the type of woman to not want to be too exposed when having sex, but I would want her naked as the day she was born, right in front of me, and I would show her everything that I appreciated about her body. I’ll keep exactly how I would do it to myself, but yeah, it’s fucking naughty. Feel free to keep your mind in the gutter. 🙂

Kirstie and her fine, thick ass has been my wet dream for a while. Go ahead, Kirstie, lose more weight, you still can’t get rid of me.