Keep Your Friends Close. Period.

I’ve never understood the warped logic of that saying

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer

Why would I want to do that? Why would I want to surround myself with people I have to look over my shoulder at?

I understand the idea of keeping abreast of someone’s actions and movements, but keeping them close sounds like you’ll be nice to them when you don’t want to.. Have to have them in your presence when you shouldn’t…

I’d would rather keep those that I trust and appreciate around me. There is no value in being fake and acting like I want someone around me when I don’t.

I’ve tried the ol’ “kill ’em with kindness” and it feels like bullshit. I won’t be rude or mean until I have to but feeling like I have to be exceptionally nice to someone when they don’t deserve it is way out of my area. I’m just disabled in that way, I guess. I’m entirely too rational and well-rounded to put myself in the position to stress myself out over watching some asshole when I don’t want to.

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Don’t Turn Me On… I’m Married.

I’m not a social media kinda person. I don’t find any fun in showing my “friends” my “perfect life” or my “perfect husband” or my “perfect house” or my “perfect pets”. I find that people brag too much about themselves on social media. I also don’t care for Twitter. More bullshit, less words.

Once upon a time I did like Facebook though. My profile was private and I had about twenty people on my friends list. I knew all of them personally and I didn’t accept any ole’ person’s friend request. As forward as I can be here, I’m way private about personal matters, like my work, home life, some personal matters and what not.

Although I don’t get on Facebook frequently, I never deleted my profile. So I signed on today for a laugh. I scrolled through, got bored and decided to look at old messages and chat transcripts. What I came across made me nostalgic.

I came across my kryptonite.

We shall call him The Aztec Warrior.

His name is the Aztec Warrior because he was tall, tan, Hispanic,muscular, and built like The Rock back in his wrestling days. He was super intelligent and could debate about anything, but politics and literature seemed like they intrigued him the most. I recall him commenting on something I had read in class and it made me so wet. I think that was the first time that some one’s intelligence affected my pussy the way that it did. I would’ve rode his cock right in that classroom if I had the opportunity.

I was the smart girl who dated the school asshole while the guy who seemed great for me sat and saw the whole thing play out. We reconnected after school was over for some time, via Facebook. He looked just as good as he did when I had last seen him. We exchanged some messages about what was going on at the current time and once the pleasantries were over, we started to flirt. 

As I look through these old messages I am reminded of how bold I am when it comes to getting what I want. He stated that I always acted weird around him and I said “that’s how girls act around a guy they like” and said “I knew you liked me!”.

I wanted to correct him, and tell him that he should be more accurate with the facts, and the fact was, he made my pussy damn near ignite. If he only knew… I even told him that the nickname I gave him whenever I spoke to my best friend about him was The Aztec Warrior. He was flattered and really loved it. He loved the idea that I had been talking about him in such a way.

I’m reading further and realizing why we don’t talk.. Shortly after we reconnected he told me about this girl he had been seeing. Since him and I were busy and lived a distance away from each other, we couldn’t just schedule hanging out on the fly. So we didn’t make time and throughout the phone tag and back and forth, we just couldn’t seem to get on the same schedule. Next thing I knew, I got a message in my inbox on Facebook saying how his girlfriend probably wouldn’t appreciate our friendship so it was best to stop talking and that he hoped there weren’t any hard feelings between us. I sent back a simple “Ok.” because I respected that he wanted to be a good guy and because I wasn’t one to step out of bounds with someone else’s relationship. Who the hell wants their mate to be friends with someone they’ve flirted with so much? I totally understand and I backed off.

A month goes by and he leaves me a message and says “hola.” And I decided not to respond. I inspected his page and saw that he was still with his girlfriend and I was totally sure that she still wouldn’t have been cool with us talking and I have respect, even if he didn’t have the backbone to keep up with their arrangement. He emailed me a couple times after that, asking if I was good and trying to catch up but I kept my stance.

Fast forward a couple of years and he emails me. It was a “Hello, how ya doing” sort of email and I actually responded back. We corresponded neutrally for a while but he kept posting these pictures on his profile and he looked so damn good. I think that he was provoking me. I think that he wanted me to be brazen and bold as I once was and he knew exactly what to do to get it out of me. He took pictures of his tan body, muscles in all their glory, his haircut fresh and clean. He was a delicious steak, and I, a hungry dog with very little impulse control. But I got my shit together. It was at this time I decided to not email him anymore. I had been seeing someone (Blanco and I had been dating at that time. Us young whippersnappers lol) for some time and I didn’t need to be masturbating alone, with the Aztec Warrior on my mind.

If there is anything that Facebook has taught me, it’s that in some relationships and marriages, there are people who are like Kryptonite and should be avoided.

Even now, I’m looking through Aztec Warrior’s profile and I’m looking at his pictures. This guy seriously makes me consider cheating. I have the balls to say that. How many other people can be honest about that?

I mean, I would just fuck this guy until he called the cops and told them that I was trying to rob him of his cock. I would unapologetically suck his cock. He’s the only guy my age that I would let spank me and give me the “Daddy” treatment. I’d be totally submissive to him.

I can’t talk to this guy while I’m married. I’m not weak but he drives my pussy nuts in a way that I can’t subject myself to.

Has the kryptonite issue ever occurred with anyone else?

Shut Up, Because I Can’t have Sex With What You’re Saying

Sometimes people are way more fuckable when they say very little.

Trust me, even as a married girl, this feeling never leaves you.

There are moments when I’m horny and I’m like “yeah, I’m gonna fuck my Husband’s dick right off” and he’ll walk in the room and start talking about some shit that makes me mentally go “yeah… change of plans on that”.

Marriage doesn’t make it easier than being single. Someone is bound to say something stupid at some point.

When Your Spouse is Your Friend, Too

     Some people get married because they have this magical dream that they’ll fall in love and it will be happily ever after. I suppose that’s not an unrealistic dream but for some people the entire thing can go left. One of the reasons I suspect is because some people don’t consider their spouse to be one of their friends anymore.

    I’ve always felt that it is nice to be romantic and to have some flirting go on in your relationship, and to be specific- a long term relationship or a marriage. People can settle into being with the same person and it can turn into a monotonous scene, straight out of GroundHog Day. So, instead of feeling like Bill Murray, I feel like you should treat your spouse like your friend some times. Instead of buying red roses and being Casanova, go do something with your spouse that they normally do with a friend. You never know how you could connect with them on a different level.
       Although Blanco is not a reality tv nut like I am, he watches shows with me and we talk crap and laugh about castmates and plot lines and the utter bullshit of it all. Does Blanco actually want to watch Love and Hip Hop with me?…. Probably not. I’m sure he’d rather play Assassin’s Creed or count the days until the next installment of Borderlands comes out. Why does Blanco do this? Because we are actually friends and he knows that it’s important to give and take. When it’s your turn to do something that someone else loves, you should completely throw yourself into what their interest is. Blanco pays attention. Blanco gets major points for watching Teen Mom with me. He even suffered through Teen Mom 3 with me.

Ten points for you, Blanco.

On the same note, when Blanco finds out something interesting about a game, I’m a good listener. I make it a point to not only remember the games and characters he likes but I can sometimes finish his sentence about his games. I like hearing about how Batman is his favorite, or how the last episode of Legend of Korra sucked ass, or how much he’d trade in his left kidney just to get his hands on future game releases way before their release date.

   I’m sure Blanco gets annoyed with me and doesn’t want me analyzing cocks on Rock, Paper, Anaconda. I’m sure Blanco wants me to just shut the hell up and fix him something to eat sometimes but Blanco is the bestest friend I’ve ever had, and that’s the bestest most magical happily ever after I could ever ask for.

To The Girl With Many Male Friends

It’s ok to hang out with whomever you choose. This dumbass idea that girls must hang out with other girls is so, completely dated. Perhaps you gel more with the guys. Perhaps you’re not down with the cattiness that some women give off. Perhaps you’ve dreamed of having close friends, a la Sex in the City or Girlfriends. Perhaps that day will come where you find a group of women who embrace you and treat you kindly. Until that day arrives, know that anyone can befriend anyone. I hope that you become more thick-skinned because if you haven’t experienced what comes with the territory of being “that girl”, here is some of what might occur:

Women will judge you. Some will think that you’ve slept with all of your male friends and possibly, they will call you a slut. Some women might say “oh, she thinks she’s better than us”. To hell with those women.

You can be platonic or you can sleep with all of your male friends if you dare so choose, because ya know what? It’s your vagina and your rights, as the owner of your body, is to do what makes you happy. And as far as thinking that you’re better than the other women? That’s a personal decision but you should always put yourself above accepting a friendship with ANYONE if it means that the disrespect and disloyalty will not be in your life. You shouldn’t stay friends with anyone who makes snide comments about your choice of gender when it comes to making friends.

Men might look at you sideways, too. Some men will think that you are easy because some men assume that you’ve slept with your male friends, too. Again, if a snide comment slips out, maybe they aren’t the person you should be around.

Just remember: You want the people in your life to be honest with you. The people in your life should be honest enough to ask questions without making you feel like a streetwalker though. Curiosity is natural, disrespect on the other hand, should never feel natural. Listen to your gut.

Thin Line Between Weird and Different

I’ve always looked at myself and thought that I was weird. I never saw anything wrong with knowing how quirky you can be but I’m starting to realize the negative connotation that is attached with being weird. Perhaps I should say that I am different?

Different from whom? Different from what? Therein lies the problem with stating that you are different because obviously there are no identical duplicates in this world. I don’t mean physically either, just personally.

I grew up in an area where Hip Hop and R&B was very popular and while I liked it, I enjoyed VH1. Vh1 would play the Goo Goo Dolls, Sarah McLachlan, REM, Everlast, all of whom are not Hip Hop or R&B artists. I would go to school and the magical question would arise; What is your favorite song?

This answer changed frequently and still does but one time I had the dumbass idea of telling my close-minded, hip-hop-loving friend that my favorite song was Roll to Me by Del Amitri. She didn’t know who it was and asked me to sing some of it, so I did and while she didn’t recognize the song at all, she called me a hillbilly and laughed. I was offended because that  song isn’t Country and if I wanted to “get my hillbilly on” I would have mentioned “This Kiss” by Faith Hill. Duh.

After I had told her honestly was my favorite song was, she kind of made it a point to avoid me. I felt like “This is me” but I was made to feel like a weirdo for being different. I guess being called a weirdo or being called different boils down to how open-minded or sadly, how close-minded someone can be.

I’ve been asked other questions and have been given that “black sheep” treatment. “You EAT sushi?” no, bitch, I throw it at my face for enjoyment

“You DON’T like going to the club?” no, bitch, I do but I’m trying to reach my daily “lie” quota

“You slept with a white man?” no, bitch, he was actually black, I forgot

Is there even a thin line between being weird and being different? All my life I’ve been treated like a weirdo for being into stuff that isn’t the norm It would be lovely if the world wasn’t so quick to treat “different” and “weird” as a bad thing.

How soon can you fart in a relationship?

DOUBLE STANDARD TIME!

When should you stop holding your farts in? When do you stop acting like your bowels don’t exist (or function)?

For men, it isn’t seen as such a horrible thing if you let one rip. Yeah, you might stink for a little but it isn’t seen as something that tarnishes a male’s reputation. Some men can clear rooms with their farts but somehow farting in front of a woman isn’t as bad as when a women first farts in front of a man.

I’ve had male friends are completely repulsed by the reality of women having the same bodily functions as them. Being insanely aggravated that your girl farted during dinner is one thing, but can she ever comfortably fart around you? I think that it is important to be able to fart in front of your significant other because what if you’re doing yoga together and you get a little too relaxed? What if she unknowingly ate something with dairy and it causes all sorts of gastronomic distress due to her lactose intolerance? What if she just doesn’t feel like squeezing her ass together until she leaves your house the next morning?

Some men accept that us womenfolk fart BUT expect women to produce little, cutesy farts that squeak out and don’t interfere with anyone’s ability to breathe. Does ANYONE want to smell horrendous farts? No!  But damn, that’s a lot of pressure. Don’t you know that we can blow down houses, knock over statues, kill elephants AND people with our farts? Trust me, we don’t want to hold these suckers in longer than we have to.

One of my favorite comedy specials of all time is You So Crazy. I’ll never forget Martin Lawrence saying how he felt like a woman didn’t love him unless she farted in front of him. why can’t they all be like you, Marty Mar?