I Can Lick It and My Husband Won’t Be Mad

I had a convo with Blanco today and we were talking about who we would give eachother a “pass” for, meaning that if the opportunity arose at any point during our marriage, there are certain people we would be allowed to sleep with.

He said Beyonce. I totally get it. If Beyonce came up to me and offered, I wouldn’t pass either.

I said Edward Norton. Blanco laughs and goes “Sure. He’s scrawny anyway.”

Blanco says Jenifer Lewis. I’m cool with her. She’s his type, loud, opinionated, and quick to tear you a new one. (Totally not me… lol….)

I say Morris Chestnut. Blanco says no.

Well, he didn’t JUST say no. His exact words were “Absolutely, positively never going to happen.”

What sucks is that Morris Chestnut has been the man of my dreams since I saw him in Boyz in The Hood. His height, skin color, the sound of his voice… He just does it for me.

So, I’m trying to devise a way that I can have Morris Chestnut without actually having Morris Chestnut. I’ve come up with some ideas.

1. Morris Chestnut Ice Cream: I can lick it and my Husband shouldn’t be mad at all. It will be a chocolate ice cream with hand crafted chestnuts after Morris’ likeness. This will be expensive to make but.. So what.

2. Morris Chestnut lollipops: Similar in taste to a chocolate tootsie pop, the texture will be a hardened candy. The only difference is that the lollipop will be much larger than a regular lolly. In fact, it will be life-sized. And the model lolly will be fashioned after a naked Morris Chestnut. The best part about this lolly is that it will last for a while.

I would make a complete fool of myself with number 2. I would need a dark room and lots of privacy because I would be insanely ashamed if someone walked in and saw me doing all sorts of things to a big piece of candy.

When Your Toys Please You Better Than Your Spouse

What a shitty situation.

It sucks when you put a vibrator on your clit and it works way better and way harder than your significant other does. I think that it sucks to be with your sexual partner and once you finish getting in on you realize that you’ll have to creep off and really go have an orgasm.

Yes, I’ve lied about orgasming. I wish I didn’t but I did. Lying was easier than breaking someone’s ego. Ego breaking is one of those things that I can hear, it’s like being in a forest and muting out the birds, the wind, and any animals around. Imagine being able to hear the bark of mature trees splintering, imagine being able to hear exactly when branches snap. I dislike that sound very much. I avoid it at all costs.

I hate having sex and then going at it alone and making own pussy happy. It is disappointing especially when in the throes of hot, sticky, fucking passion you make up your mind that you don’t want to tell your partner that they just aren’t doing it for it. It might not be a recurring thing, but even a couple times can be incredibly shittastic.

I can only speak of my own clit issues. Lol. I can’t speak for Possessors of Cocks. Have you ever been left not satisfied completely and had to go finish yourself off?

Has this ever happened to you?

Don’t Turn Me On… I’m Married.

I’m not a social media kinda person. I don’t find any fun in showing my “friends” my “perfect life” or my “perfect husband” or my “perfect house” or my “perfect pets”. I find that people brag too much about themselves on social media. I also don’t care for Twitter. More bullshit, less words.

Once upon a time I did like Facebook though. My profile was private and I had about twenty people on my friends list. I knew all of them personally and I didn’t accept any ole’ person’s friend request. As forward as I can be here, I’m way private about personal matters, like my work, home life, some personal matters and what not.

Although I don’t get on Facebook frequently, I never deleted my profile. So I signed on today for a laugh. I scrolled through, got bored and decided to look at old messages and chat transcripts. What I came across made me nostalgic.

I came across my kryptonite.

We shall call him The Aztec Warrior.

His name is the Aztec Warrior because he was tall, tan, Hispanic,muscular, and built like The Rock back in his wrestling days. He was super intelligent and could debate about anything, but politics and literature seemed like they intrigued him the most. I recall him commenting on something I had read in class and it made me so wet. I think that was the first time that some one’s intelligence affected my pussy the way that it did. I would’ve rode his cock right in that classroom if I had the opportunity.

I was the smart girl who dated the school asshole while the guy who seemed great for me sat and saw the whole thing play out. We reconnected after school was over for some time, via Facebook. He looked just as good as he did when I had last seen him. We exchanged some messages about what was going on at the current time and once the pleasantries were over, we started to flirt. 

As I look through these old messages I am reminded of how bold I am when it comes to getting what I want. He stated that I always acted weird around him and I said “that’s how girls act around a guy they like” and said “I knew you liked me!”.

I wanted to correct him, and tell him that he should be more accurate with the facts, and the fact was, he made my pussy damn near ignite. If he only knew… I even told him that the nickname I gave him whenever I spoke to my best friend about him was The Aztec Warrior. He was flattered and really loved it. He loved the idea that I had been talking about him in such a way.

I’m reading further and realizing why we don’t talk.. Shortly after we reconnected he told me about this girl he had been seeing. Since him and I were busy and lived a distance away from each other, we couldn’t just schedule hanging out on the fly. So we didn’t make time and throughout the phone tag and back and forth, we just couldn’t seem to get on the same schedule. Next thing I knew, I got a message in my inbox on Facebook saying how his girlfriend probably wouldn’t appreciate our friendship so it was best to stop talking and that he hoped there weren’t any hard feelings between us. I sent back a simple “Ok.” because I respected that he wanted to be a good guy and because I wasn’t one to step out of bounds with someone else’s relationship. Who the hell wants their mate to be friends with someone they’ve flirted with so much? I totally understand and I backed off.

A month goes by and he leaves me a message and says “hola.” And I decided not to respond. I inspected his page and saw that he was still with his girlfriend and I was totally sure that she still wouldn’t have been cool with us talking and I have respect, even if he didn’t have the backbone to keep up with their arrangement. He emailed me a couple times after that, asking if I was good and trying to catch up but I kept my stance.

Fast forward a couple of years and he emails me. It was a “Hello, how ya doing” sort of email and I actually responded back. We corresponded neutrally for a while but he kept posting these pictures on his profile and he looked so damn good. I think that he was provoking me. I think that he wanted me to be brazen and bold as I once was and he knew exactly what to do to get it out of me. He took pictures of his tan body, muscles in all their glory, his haircut fresh and clean. He was a delicious steak, and I, a hungry dog with very little impulse control. But I got my shit together. It was at this time I decided to not email him anymore. I had been seeing someone (Blanco and I had been dating at that time. Us young whippersnappers lol) for some time and I didn’t need to be masturbating alone, with the Aztec Warrior on my mind.

If there is anything that Facebook has taught me, it’s that in some relationships and marriages, there are people who are like Kryptonite and should be avoided.

Even now, I’m looking through Aztec Warrior’s profile and I’m looking at his pictures. This guy seriously makes me consider cheating. I have the balls to say that. How many other people can be honest about that?

I mean, I would just fuck this guy until he called the cops and told them that I was trying to rob him of his cock. I would unapologetically suck his cock. He’s the only guy my age that I would let spank me and give me the “Daddy” treatment. I’d be totally submissive to him.

I can’t talk to this guy while I’m married. I’m not weak but he drives my pussy nuts in a way that I can’t subject myself to.

Has the kryptonite issue ever occurred with anyone else?

Shut Up, Because I Can’t have Sex With What You’re Saying

Sometimes people are way more fuckable when they say very little.

Trust me, even as a married girl, this feeling never leaves you.

There are moments when I’m horny and I’m like “yeah, I’m gonna fuck my Husband’s dick right off” and he’ll walk in the room and start talking about some shit that makes me mentally go “yeah… change of plans on that”.

Marriage doesn’t make it easier than being single. Someone is bound to say something stupid at some point.

I Can’t Marry You Unless I See Your Dick

I never wanted to marry someone without having slept with them first.

Due to it not being the ’50s anymore and combined with the fact that I don’t care too much for other people stating what I should and shouldn’t do with my hooha, I thought that statement wouldn’t be so damn incendiary but it still is.

Somehow, some people out there think that I should marry some dude and hope that his dick game is good or if it sucks, I should give it time in order for him to improve.

Why should I give someone else such a luxury when I know what I want? Why must women be pushed into thinking that we have to create such convenient situations for men?

Someone out there could snidely say “oh, its rather convenient to him if you give it up before you’re married..” and I understand that’s how you feel. But if a woman chooses to give up have sex with anyone before a marriage occurs, she can do that because it’s her right. It’s mine to ‘give up’ anyway.

Although you could sleep with anyone and feel the need to drop a direction or some pointers, there are certain things that seem non-negotiable…Biologically non-negotiable…

Alright, here we go: I needed to see my man’s dick before we got married.

How many others would ‘fess up to feeling that way?

I just wanted to make sure that he didn’t have a micropenis or something that was incredibly ugly… If I look at a cock and can’t imagine it in my mouth, I couldn’t marry that person.

I’m sincerely not a shallow person but why deal with something for the rest of eternity if it won’t make you completely happy?

Is there anyone out there who felt/feels the same as me?

When Your Spouse is Your Friend, Too

     Some people get married because they have this magical dream that they’ll fall in love and it will be happily ever after. I suppose that’s not an unrealistic dream but for some people the entire thing can go left. One of the reasons I suspect is because some people don’t consider their spouse to be one of their friends anymore.

    I’ve always felt that it is nice to be romantic and to have some flirting go on in your relationship, and to be specific- a long term relationship or a marriage. People can settle into being with the same person and it can turn into a monotonous scene, straight out of GroundHog Day. So, instead of feeling like Bill Murray, I feel like you should treat your spouse like your friend some times. Instead of buying red roses and being Casanova, go do something with your spouse that they normally do with a friend. You never know how you could connect with them on a different level.
       Although Blanco is not a reality tv nut like I am, he watches shows with me and we talk crap and laugh about castmates and plot lines and the utter bullshit of it all. Does Blanco actually want to watch Love and Hip Hop with me?…. Probably not. I’m sure he’d rather play Assassin’s Creed or count the days until the next installment of Borderlands comes out. Why does Blanco do this? Because we are actually friends and he knows that it’s important to give and take. When it’s your turn to do something that someone else loves, you should completely throw yourself into what their interest is. Blanco pays attention. Blanco gets major points for watching Teen Mom with me. He even suffered through Teen Mom 3 with me.

Ten points for you, Blanco.

On the same note, when Blanco finds out something interesting about a game, I’m a good listener. I make it a point to not only remember the games and characters he likes but I can sometimes finish his sentence about his games. I like hearing about how Batman is his favorite, or how the last episode of Legend of Korra sucked ass, or how much he’d trade in his left kidney just to get his hands on future game releases way before their release date.

   I’m sure Blanco gets annoyed with me and doesn’t want me analyzing cocks on Rock, Paper, Anaconda. I’m sure Blanco wants me to just shut the hell up and fix him something to eat sometimes but Blanco is the bestest friend I’ve ever had, and that’s the bestest most magical happily ever after I could ever ask for.

I wrote this in July, and it’s still funny

To my Husband:
1.  I’d rather hold the baby than have sex. Not just right now but pretty much all of the time.
2.   But I would totally be ready for that dude who played Khal Drogo on Game of Thrones.
3.    In fact, have him arrive at the house dressed as Khal Drogo. You can take Gavin and have a nice walk somewhere for a little while….

To my neighbors:

   1. Please stop inviting me to your bonfires. I’m not trying to keep ditching you but I’m black and because of that, I don’t want to sit near a fire getting bit by mosquitos. You guys must have some mosquito shield that I can’t see.
2.   If you have a mosquito shield, can I fucking borrow it?
3.    Don’t stand on my front porch without ringing my bell immediately. If i look out the window and see you just chillin on my shit, it creeps me out.