My First Time Giving a Blowjob

I was about 18 when I first made my attempt at giving a blowjob. The guy was my age, just as sexually inexperienced as me, and he must have watched lots and lots of porn because some of the things he said would make you laugh.

He had very little confidence and he was not exactly the most proud to show off his body. He was a little chunky and while I liked it, he didn’t exactly share the same sentiment. So he took off his shorts and left his t-shirt on. I told him that he reminded me of a toddler who had thrown away his diaper and he giggled and bashfully stated that he was “still working on his stomach”. So I left it alone and was there naked. For some reason, I felt comfortable with him.

So, long story short, I get on my knees and he stands with his dick in my face and looking back, I wonder why he didn’t sit. Throughout this blowjob session, his knees buckled and he would grab the arm of the couch for balance and I’m sure if someone saw us they would have laughed. Did he think it was uncool to sit down and enjoy what was happening? Why didn’t I suggest it? Did I even know better?

The other tell-tale sign that we weren’t exactly professionals in this field was that he would try to recite stuff I knew that he had only heard in porn. Coming from a guy who didn’t have a potty mouth at all, “Suck it, Bitch” didn’t sound very sexy. He sounded like two parts I don’t want to offend you, one part “please” and one part “oh my god, someone has my cock in their mouth“. It just wasn’t sexy.

The other thing that he did that threw my shitty dick sucking “skills” for a loop was that he kept pushing my head down to get his cock further in my throat. I didn’t mind so much, but the entire process was new to me. I looked at it like swimming: When I go down, I gotta hold my breath and come up for air when I need to.

That is the most awful technique ever.

Imagine me, sucking dick for like ten seconds and coming up off the dick in order to breathe and then having him sort of smush my head down back onto his dick while I’m gasping for air. It’s not like he had the most confidence to really push hard, but still. He was fucking up what I thought was a good rhythm. These days, I’m a lot bit more experienced and I know how to coordinate breathing from my nose and sucking and swallowing and deep throating, almost all at the same damn time. There should be a girl scout badge for that accomplishment.

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What Ruins Porn For You?

I can’t stand watching a porn where only one person looks like they are enjoying themselves. This isn’t gender specific in my opinion.

I’ve seen women in porn, specifically man/woman porn, where the woman is so completely quiet and clearly not enjoying her partner at the time. These stiff women piss me off. When I watch porn, I like to imagine that I’m in that woman’s body feeling what she’s feeling. So if she looks like the dick sucks, I feeeel like the dick sucks. And then I switch to a different porn. She could be uncomfortable and maybe she needs the money… She could’ve realized that the guy was a douchebag before they started to film and she couldn’t get some asshole comment he said out of her head. Who knows?

When I watch girl/girl porn I can always spot the girl who doesn’t want her face in someone’s snatch. She’ll be the girl who goes down on another girl and lick some pussy lips and decide that it wasn’t the best idea and then she’ll blindly stick her nails, long ass acrylic nails and all, into the girl’s pussy. Throughout all of this, there isn’t any wetness occurring at all. It’s not unfathomable to understand why a girl wouldn’t get wet from someone’s sharp acrylic nails stabbing their pussy. So, once the fake moaning is over, guess who is the most eager and willing candidate to put their pussy in someone’s face?? Ol’ Pussy Stabber, that’s who!
I always get mad with those women. Don’t sign up to eat pussy if you aren’t going to come to the set with an appetite . That’s like becoming a construction worker but deciding that you absolutely cannot get dirt on your boots. Fucking unreasonable.

I hate seeing men wearing socks in porn. It’s usually a black guy, hung as hung could be, but the socks take away from it for me.

I dislike quiet in porn… But in the same notion, I dislike too much talking.

I am beginning to love watching Japanese women squirt. They are so fluid about it. No pun intended.

I hate it when I see those “first time” videos don’t actually convey a feeling of the act being performed the first time. Don’t show me some “teen” who is having anal sex for the first time but she rides a ten inch cock for fifteen minutes upon insertion. Fuckin’ liar. You’ve been riding cock up your ass for a few years now because I’ve never heard of anyone being that good the first time they had anal sex.

Do you have any porn pet peeves?

Masturbating…. while the house is full

Masturbating can be a task in itself for some people. Sometimes rubbing a good one out can take a while or your thoughts about the lawn or dishes or bills can completely override the freaky thoughts you need to get the job done.

But what about when your mind isn’t full but your house is?

I remember growing up in a house full of people and masturbating was completely off limits because either

A- you can’t do it in the room because someone is in there.
B- you can’t do it in the bathroom because someone has to take a shit.
C- someone has taken a shit in the bathroom and the soft, pleasant smell of fresh fecal action just doesn’t do it for you.
D- you need some motivation and your motivation might be too obvious. (Those porn mag pages can be rather noisy when you don’t want them to be or porn on tv can be hard to disguise if a small kid walks in on you)

As I get older and notice that my house never seems empty for whatever reason, I run into this problem. It seems this is more difficult for women because our minds typically strays quicker while some men seem like they can just shoot one off a wee bit more easily.

I would love to hear if this has happened to anyone besides me! I can’t possibly be the only poor orgasm-less soul out there!