Thank The Beautiful Lawn Mower

I got horny today.

It’s been months since anything turned me on. I’m not sure why but nothing was doing it for me. I haven’t bothered with writing on here because I can’t write about sex if I can’t think about sex. For a couple months now all I wanted to do was cook new dessert recipes and play with my pug.

Until today, that is!

I want to play with the guy who will be dropping by to mow the lawn twice a month. That’s two times a month I’ll find a reason to be on my front deck. I don’t care if it’s 98 degrees outside! You gotta see this guy, he’s beautiful!

Mr. Beautiful is white, at least 6 foot 2, has a toned body and a medium kind of build, think like Ryan Reynolds. He’s got a bald head and a full dark beard. He has these big green eyes, and long dark lashes to match.

I wish that I could sneak and take a picture of him and post it on here.

But uh, yeah…
I shouldn’t have shook his hand.

Well, out of being how I am I had to, as we were conducting business, but I shouldn’t have. Had I known that my pussy would wake right up at that point, I would not have done it.
He shook my hand very well. I don’t like floppy fish handshakes, I prefer strong confident ones. His hand was larger than mine and he shook my hand like he meant business. He had smooth yet gruff hands. I can just about imagine his hands holding my ass cheeks while I rode him… I can almost feel him fingering my pussy while I beg for him to untie me…

You ever look into someone’s eyes and just know that you two would have awesome sex?

Well, if you haven’t, you gotta try it. This feeling can bring you to some places.

I feel like I have to go and play with myself just so I can relax.

My First Time Giving a Blowjob

I was about 18 when I first made my attempt at giving a blowjob. The guy was my age, just as sexually inexperienced as me, and he must have watched lots and lots of porn because some of the things he said would make you laugh.

He had very little confidence and he was not exactly the most proud to show off his body. He was a little chunky and while I liked it, he didn’t exactly share the same sentiment. So he took off his shorts and left his t-shirt on. I told him that he reminded me of a toddler who had thrown away his diaper and he giggled and bashfully stated that he was “still working on his stomach”. So I left it alone and was there naked. For some reason, I felt comfortable with him.

So, long story short, I get on my knees and he stands with his dick in my face and looking back, I wonder why he didn’t sit. Throughout this blowjob session, his knees buckled and he would grab the arm of the couch for balance and I’m sure if someone saw us they would have laughed. Did he think it was uncool to sit down and enjoy what was happening? Why didn’t I suggest it? Did I even know better?

The other tell-tale sign that we weren’t exactly professionals in this field was that he would try to recite stuff I knew that he had only heard in porn. Coming from a guy who didn’t have a potty mouth at all, “Suck it, Bitch” didn’t sound very sexy. He sounded like two parts I don’t want to offend you, one part “please” and one part “oh my god, someone has my cock in their mouth“. It just wasn’t sexy.

The other thing that he did that threw my shitty dick sucking “skills” for a loop was that he kept pushing my head down to get his cock further in my throat. I didn’t mind so much, but the entire process was new to me. I looked at it like swimming: When I go down, I gotta hold my breath and come up for air when I need to.

That is the most awful technique ever.

Imagine me, sucking dick for like ten seconds and coming up off the dick in order to breathe and then having him sort of smush my head down back onto his dick while I’m gasping for air. It’s not like he had the most confidence to really push hard, but still. He was fucking up what I thought was a good rhythm. These days, I’m a lot bit more experienced and I know how to coordinate breathing from my nose and sucking and swallowing and deep throating, almost all at the same damn time. There should be a girl scout badge for that accomplishment.

I Can Lick It and My Husband Won’t Be Mad

I had a convo with Blanco today and we were talking about who we would give eachother a “pass” for, meaning that if the opportunity arose at any point during our marriage, there are certain people we would be allowed to sleep with.

He said Beyonce. I totally get it. If Beyonce came up to me and offered, I wouldn’t pass either.

I said Edward Norton. Blanco laughs and goes “Sure. He’s scrawny anyway.”

Blanco says Jenifer Lewis. I’m cool with her. She’s his type, loud, opinionated, and quick to tear you a new one. (Totally not me… lol….)

I say Morris Chestnut. Blanco says no.

Well, he didn’t JUST say no. His exact words were “Absolutely, positively never going to happen.”

What sucks is that Morris Chestnut has been the man of my dreams since I saw him in Boyz in The Hood. His height, skin color, the sound of his voice… He just does it for me.

So, I’m trying to devise a way that I can have Morris Chestnut without actually having Morris Chestnut. I’ve come up with some ideas.

1. Morris Chestnut Ice Cream: I can lick it and my Husband shouldn’t be mad at all. It will be a chocolate ice cream with hand crafted chestnuts after Morris’ likeness. This will be expensive to make but.. So what.

2. Morris Chestnut lollipops: Similar in taste to a chocolate tootsie pop, the texture will be a hardened candy. The only difference is that the lollipop will be much larger than a regular lolly. In fact, it will be life-sized. And the model lolly will be fashioned after a naked Morris Chestnut. The best part about this lolly is that it will last for a while.

I would make a complete fool of myself with number 2. I would need a dark room and lots of privacy because I would be insanely ashamed if someone walked in and saw me doing all sorts of things to a big piece of candy.

Wet Dreams- Jessie Spano Edition (Elizabeth Berkley)

I know that Jessie Spano was just a character on a TV show… I know that she wouldn’t let any ol’ misogynistic comment slide… I know that she was at times too serious… But I appreciated those things about her.

Jessie just wanted a guy with a mind and some manners. I remember realizing that when I was younger. I also realized that little ol’ female me could do nothing for her but that didn’t stop me from wanting to.

I’ve always had a thing for tall, leggy women so Jessie was absolutely perfect for me. I always imagined making out with her. I could see her putting the same passion that she put into feminist subjects into her kisses.

The idea of making out with Jessie still makes me wet. I want to end up with my head between her legs, with her juices all over my mouth, her above me moaning And saying:

I’m so excited!!

I’m soooo excited!

Only difference is, she won’t cry after she says that… She’ll just cum like crazy while her clit pulsates on my tongue…

Wet Dreams- Kirstie Alley Edition

I’m tired of Kirstie Alley always losing weight. I’m all for having a healthy life and having a healthy body but I get tired of Kirstie Alley damn near trashing herself when she is on the heavier side.

I saw Kirstie Alley for the first time when I saw Look Who’s Talking. I thought that she was very funny and pretty in a non-conventional sort of way. Sooo, fast forward a few years to when she was a Jenny Craig spokesperson. I loved seeing how happy she appeared but I kept thinking “I fucking love you, big or small”.

I love her with a bit more weight on her because she has this awesome figure, complete with a booty and sexy, curvy thighs. I hate that society and Hollywood shits on the bigger woman so much. There aren’t many things that can make me happier than seeing a big, fine woman wearing a curve hugging dress that accentuates a sexy, womanly figure.

Kirstie Alley has always come across as likeable and witty. She’s the type of woman I would have wanted as a girlfriend, not just a sexual partner. I would want to go to the movies with Kirstie, just to see a comedy and see her laugh loudly. I would want to stay in the house and order food, and eat like messy people and drink wine and laugh. I couldn’t imagine not having fun with Kirstie.

She strikes me as the type of woman to not want to be too exposed when having sex, but I would want her naked as the day she was born, right in front of me, and I would show her everything that I appreciated about her body. I’ll keep exactly how I would do it to myself, but yeah, it’s fucking naughty. Feel free to keep your mind in the gutter. 🙂

Kirstie and her fine, thick ass has been my wet dream for a while. Go ahead, Kirstie, lose more weight, you still can’t get rid of me.

When Your Toys Please You Better Than Your Spouse

What a shitty situation.

It sucks when you put a vibrator on your clit and it works way better and way harder than your significant other does. I think that it sucks to be with your sexual partner and once you finish getting in on you realize that you’ll have to creep off and really go have an orgasm.

Yes, I’ve lied about orgasming. I wish I didn’t but I did. Lying was easier than breaking someone’s ego. Ego breaking is one of those things that I can hear, it’s like being in a forest and muting out the birds, the wind, and any animals around. Imagine being able to hear the bark of mature trees splintering, imagine being able to hear exactly when branches snap. I dislike that sound very much. I avoid it at all costs.

I hate having sex and then going at it alone and making own pussy happy. It is disappointing especially when in the throes of hot, sticky, fucking passion you make up your mind that you don’t want to tell your partner that they just aren’t doing it for it. It might not be a recurring thing, but even a couple times can be incredibly shittastic.

I can only speak of my own clit issues. Lol. I can’t speak for Possessors of Cocks. Have you ever been left not satisfied completely and had to go finish yourself off?

Has this ever happened to you?

Wet Dreams- Anne Hathaway Edition

I didn’t pay much attention to Anne Hathaway until I saw her in The Dark Knight Rises.

It’s not that I didn’t see that she was a cute girl. It’s not that I didn’t notice those big ol’ juicy lips. It’s probably because she wasn’t wearing leather.

I never was much of a leather lover. I leave it for Sisqo and other people like him who wear it well. When I saw Anne Hathaway in her Catsuit… I lost it a little bit. She had these bright lips and her outfit was so snug.. And not snug like “Go and get a size up” but snug like “I wish I were your pants because I wanna be close to that ass”.

Anne Hathaway always looked rather unassuming and cute and that leather made her look like a complete bad girl. I doubt that I could ever see her as the good girl next door type after The Dark Knight. It’s too late for that. I’ve had too many dirty thoughts.

I’ve dreamt of her being a dominatrix and her ordering me around to do silly things, like bark like a dog or make elephant noises. I would happily do it because it would make her happy. I’ve imagined myself making a sound she doesn’t like and her taking her whip and having me make the get on all fours to practice.

Mistress Anne: Bark like a dog.

Me: Woof woof woof

WHAP!! That whip hurts more than I thought it would…

Mistress Anne: Bark like a big dog! You sound like a chuhuahua, and I don’t like chihuahuas!

Me: WOOOF WOOOOF WOOOOOF

WHAP!!! Holy shit…. My asscheeks are going to be red…

Mistress Anne: I don’t like rottweilers. Don’t bark like a rottweiler. Bark like a yellow lab.

Me: arrrff arrf arrf?

WHAP!!  WHAP!!

WHAP!!

Mistress Anne: Move your hand! You will take the punishment for not doing as asked!!

I can totally see her just humiliating me in that manner, playing mind games and making me feel stupid… and at the end of it all, it will be totally worth it. Perhaps she’ll reward me by letting me taste her smooth, sweet pussy… Perhaps she’ll make me sit at the edge of the bed while she plays with herself and I will be given the pleasure of her allowing me to use my face as something she wants to squirt on… If I’m lucky she’ll let me lick her ass while she’s on all fours, fucking her pussy with a dildo…

Oh, Mistress Anne…