My First Time Giving a Blowjob

I was about 18 when I first made my attempt at giving a blowjob. The guy was my age, just as sexually inexperienced as me, and he must have watched lots and lots of porn because some of the things he said would make you laugh.

He had very little confidence and he was not exactly the most proud to show off his body. He was a little chunky and while I liked it, he didn’t exactly share the same sentiment. So he took off his shorts and left his t-shirt on. I told him that he reminded me of a toddler who had thrown away his diaper and he giggled and bashfully stated that he was “still working on his stomach”. So I left it alone and was there naked. For some reason, I felt comfortable with him.

So, long story short, I get on my knees and he stands with his dick in my face and looking back, I wonder why he didn’t sit. Throughout this blowjob session, his knees buckled and he would grab the arm of the couch for balance and I’m sure if someone saw us they would have laughed. Did he think it was uncool to sit down and enjoy what was happening? Why didn’t I suggest it? Did I even know better?

The other tell-tale sign that we weren’t exactly professionals in this field was that he would try to recite stuff I knew that he had only heard in porn. Coming from a guy who didn’t have a potty mouth at all, “Suck it, Bitch” didn’t sound very sexy. He sounded like two parts I don’t want to offend you, one part “please” and one part “oh my god, someone has my cock in their mouth“. It just wasn’t sexy.

The other thing that he did that threw my shitty dick sucking “skills” for a loop was that he kept pushing my head down to get his cock further in my throat. I didn’t mind so much, but the entire process was new to me. I looked at it like swimming: When I go down, I gotta hold my breath and come up for air when I need to.

That is the most awful technique ever.

Imagine me, sucking dick for like ten seconds and coming up off the dick in order to breathe and then having him sort of smush my head down back onto his dick while I’m gasping for air. It’s not like he had the most confidence to really push hard, but still. He was fucking up what I thought was a good rhythm. These days, I’m a lot bit more experienced and I know how to coordinate breathing from my nose and sucking and swallowing and deep throating, almost all at the same damn time. There should be a girl scout badge for that accomplishment.

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Keep Your Friends Close. Period.

I’ve never understood the warped logic of that saying

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer

Why would I want to do that? Why would I want to surround myself with people I have to look over my shoulder at?

I understand the idea of keeping abreast of someone’s actions and movements, but keeping them close sounds like you’ll be nice to them when you don’t want to.. Have to have them in your presence when you shouldn’t…

I’d would rather keep those that I trust and appreciate around me. There is no value in being fake and acting like I want someone around me when I don’t.

I’ve tried the ol’ “kill ’em with kindness” and it feels like bullshit. I won’t be rude or mean until I have to but feeling like I have to be exceptionally nice to someone when they don’t deserve it is way out of my area. I’m just disabled in that way, I guess. I’m entirely too rational and well-rounded to put myself in the position to stress myself out over watching some asshole when I don’t want to.

I Can Lick It and My Husband Won’t Be Mad

I had a convo with Blanco today and we were talking about who we would give eachother a “pass” for, meaning that if the opportunity arose at any point during our marriage, there are certain people we would be allowed to sleep with.

He said Beyonce. I totally get it. If Beyonce came up to me and offered, I wouldn’t pass either.

I said Edward Norton. Blanco laughs and goes “Sure. He’s scrawny anyway.”

Blanco says Jenifer Lewis. I’m cool with her. She’s his type, loud, opinionated, and quick to tear you a new one. (Totally not me… lol….)

I say Morris Chestnut. Blanco says no.

Well, he didn’t JUST say no. His exact words were “Absolutely, positively never going to happen.”

What sucks is that Morris Chestnut has been the man of my dreams since I saw him in Boyz in The Hood. His height, skin color, the sound of his voice… He just does it for me.

So, I’m trying to devise a way that I can have Morris Chestnut without actually having Morris Chestnut. I’ve come up with some ideas.

1. Morris Chestnut Ice Cream: I can lick it and my Husband shouldn’t be mad at all. It will be a chocolate ice cream with hand crafted chestnuts after Morris’ likeness. This will be expensive to make but.. So what.

2. Morris Chestnut lollipops: Similar in taste to a chocolate tootsie pop, the texture will be a hardened candy. The only difference is that the lollipop will be much larger than a regular lolly. In fact, it will be life-sized. And the model lolly will be fashioned after a naked Morris Chestnut. The best part about this lolly is that it will last for a while.

I would make a complete fool of myself with number 2. I would need a dark room and lots of privacy because I would be insanely ashamed if someone walked in and saw me doing all sorts of things to a big piece of candy.

Wet Dreams- Jessie Spano Edition (Elizabeth Berkley)

I know that Jessie Spano was just a character on a TV show… I know that she wouldn’t let any ol’ misogynistic comment slide… I know that she was at times too serious… But I appreciated those things about her.

Jessie just wanted a guy with a mind and some manners. I remember realizing that when I was younger. I also realized that little ol’ female me could do nothing for her but that didn’t stop me from wanting to.

I’ve always had a thing for tall, leggy women so Jessie was absolutely perfect for me. I always imagined making out with her. I could see her putting the same passion that she put into feminist subjects into her kisses.

The idea of making out with Jessie still makes me wet. I want to end up with my head between her legs, with her juices all over my mouth, her above me moaning And saying:

I’m so excited!!

I’m soooo excited!

Only difference is, she won’t cry after she says that… She’ll just cum like crazy while her clit pulsates on my tongue…