I Go Out Of My Way To Not Make Any Resolutions

I can’t stand New Year’s Resolutions.

Not because I dislike having goals but because I can’t stand the “new car smell” that comes along with those resolutions. You know where you get the car and it smells new and everyone comments on it but after a while you notice the smell is gone and you’ve got random shit under the seat like fries and receipts?

I’m not in the mood for that.

I go out of my way to not make any resolutions towards New Year’s Day because in some strange reverse-psychology way, I tend to stick to my goals more without thinking of them as new. I find it important to consider my goals necessary.

I find brushing my teeth to be important. I find taking out the garbage to be important. So, why don’t these necessities fall to the wayside after mere few weeks or months? Because they are necessary and thus rendered to be a priority.

I Can’t Marry You Unless I See Your Dick

I never wanted to marry someone without having slept with them first.

Due to it not being the ’50s anymore and combined with the fact that I don’t care too much for other people stating what I should and shouldn’t do with my hooha, I thought that statement wouldn’t be so damn incendiary but it still is.

Somehow, some people out there think that I should marry some dude and hope that his dick game is good or if it sucks, I should give it time in order for him to improve.

Why should I give someone else such a luxury when I know what I want? Why must women be pushed into thinking that we have to create such convenient situations for men?

Someone out there could snidely say “oh, its rather convenient to him if you give it up before you’re married..” and I understand that’s how you feel. But if a woman chooses to give up have sex with anyone before a marriage occurs, she can do that because it’s her right. It’s mine to ‘give up’ anyway.

Although you could sleep with anyone and feel the need to drop a direction or some pointers, there are certain things that seem non-negotiable…Biologically non-negotiable…

Alright, here we go: I needed to see my man’s dick before we got married.

How many others would ‘fess up to feeling that way?

I just wanted to make sure that he didn’t have a micropenis or something that was incredibly ugly… If I look at a cock and can’t imagine it in my mouth, I couldn’t marry that person.

I’m sincerely not a shallow person but why deal with something for the rest of eternity if it won’t make you completely happy?

Is there anyone out there who felt/feels the same as me?

Masturbating…. while the house is full

Masturbating can be a task in itself for some people. Sometimes rubbing a good one out can take a while or your thoughts about the lawn or dishes or bills can completely override the freaky thoughts you need to get the job done.

But what about when your mind isn’t full but your house is?

I remember growing up in a house full of people and masturbating was completely off limits because either

A- you can’t do it in the room because someone is in there.
B- you can’t do it in the bathroom because someone has to take a shit.
C- someone has taken a shit in the bathroom and the soft, pleasant smell of fresh fecal action just doesn’t do it for you.
D- you need some motivation and your motivation might be too obvious. (Those porn mag pages can be rather noisy when you don’t want them to be or porn on tv can be hard to disguise if a small kid walks in on you)

As I get older and notice that my house never seems empty for whatever reason, I run into this problem. It seems this is more difficult for women because our minds typically strays quicker while some men seem like they can just shoot one off a wee bit more easily.

I would love to hear if this has happened to anyone besides me! I can’t possibly be the only poor orgasm-less soul out there!

Wet Dreams- Lena Dunham Edition

Lena Dunham, the star of Girls, is compellingly awesome in my opinion. She is one of the few women I’ve seen in entertainment who is honest, possibly too honest for some people. She doesn’t seem like someone who sends the disclaimer of “TMI” when she’s about to share something heavy. I love that.

I hate the whole “tmi” thing. Why can’t we just be honest?

Anyway, I remember a scene in Girls where Hannah surprised Adam and wore this lingerie and I remember thinking “damn… she’s wearing that shit..”

Although there weren’t many who agreed with me, apparently because Lena isn’t stick-thin, I don’t give a shit. My imaginary ding dong loves Lena Dunham.

I imagine her being extremely honest in bed. She isn’t one of those dry-as-a-board kind of girls. I just hope that she wouldn’t talk too much and that she’d get into the moment.

Rock, Paper, Anaconda- Chris Hemsworth Edition

I’ve always chuckled that Thor and his muscles was from Asgard.

Doesn’t it sound like ‘ass-guard’? Yeah, yeah, I know its more like azzzgard but shut up. I’m clever.

So, yes, Thor and his muscles will be my ass guard and go at any length to protect my ass. In my fantasy I imagine him finding some reason to hide his hammer in my ass in order to keep it safe.

The hammer has to be 8 inches… and it’s smooth and pretty.

Wet Dreams- Iggy Azalea

If there is anything that I love, it would be pale women.
The other thing I happen to love is ass, particularly those that are curvy.

Soooo, mix the two together and you’ve got Iggy Azalea!

In my own fantasies of her I don’t exactly hear her speaking because it kind of annoys me. Like she’s sipping on crunk juice or something…..

I can’t quite imagine what she likes in the bedroom but I see myself enjoying her from a voyeur-type perspective.

I’m in the closet watching her while she’s ramming herself with a big black dildo from behind.

How flexible you are, Iggy!

Wet Dreams- Emma Stone Edition

I like Emma Stone but she isn’t much of a ‘typical’ hot girl. She’s cute and she’s funny as hell. She seems down to earth.

Behind that sneaky smile I can imagine her having a nightstand full of sex toys. Not just a nightstand but a dresser, and cabinets and buckets of toys.

Alright, maybe that’s extreme but for some reason, I just imagine her being a consistent squirter who wasn’t going to have sex if she wasn’t going to orgasm, too.

What do you think?