I Can Lick It and My Husband Won’t Be Mad

I had a convo with Blanco today and we were talking about who we would give eachother a “pass” for, meaning that if the opportunity arose at any point during our marriage, there are certain people we would be allowed to sleep with.

He said Beyonce. I totally get it. If Beyonce came up to me and offered, I wouldn’t pass either.

I said Edward Norton. Blanco laughs and goes “Sure. He’s scrawny anyway.”

Blanco says Jenifer Lewis. I’m cool with her. She’s his type, loud, opinionated, and quick to tear you a new one. (Totally not me… lol….)

I say Morris Chestnut. Blanco says no.

Well, he didn’t JUST say no. His exact words were “Absolutely, positively never going to happen.”

What sucks is that Morris Chestnut has been the man of my dreams since I saw him in Boyz in The Hood. His height, skin color, the sound of his voice… He just does it for me.

So, I’m trying to devise a way that I can have Morris Chestnut without actually having Morris Chestnut. I’ve come up with some ideas.

1. Morris Chestnut Ice Cream: I can lick it and my Husband shouldn’t be mad at all. It will be a chocolate ice cream with hand crafted chestnuts after Morris’ likeness. This will be expensive to make but.. So what.

2. Morris Chestnut lollipops: Similar in taste to a chocolate tootsie pop, the texture will be a hardened candy. The only difference is that the lollipop will be much larger than a regular lolly. In fact, it will be life-sized. And the model lolly will be fashioned after a naked Morris Chestnut. The best part about this lolly is that it will last for a while.

I would make a complete fool of myself with number 2. I would need a dark room and lots of privacy because I would be insanely ashamed if someone walked in and saw me doing all sorts of things to a big piece of candy.

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Hell Yeah, I Want a Customized Sex Toy

I hope that sex toys advance greatly in the very near future. Although I’m sure I would enjoy a sex toy when I’m 70 years old, I want to enjoy it right now!

I want toys that’ll give me a full body experience.

Although I don’t want a robot or anything cold and mechanical, I somehow want developers to come up with some device that will have unique settings. So imagine a sort of human-like toy that walks, talks, and fucks like a person. Here are a few suggestions for the settings I want:

1. The Goodfella- When you want some Italian dick! Fashioned after the likes of Robert De Niro and Ray Liotta. This setting includes your Goodfella wearing a suit, comes with a briefcase full of toys to make your clit happy, and an extra silk tie so your Goodfella can tie your hands and have his way with you. He’ll sound very “New Jersey Italian” and he’ll love eating pussy just as much as he loves his mother’s spaghetti.

2. The Dark Chocolate- When you want some cocoa cock! Fashioned after the likes of Morris Chestnut and only Taye Diggs, this model is tall, dark, and handsome. Dark Chocolate says all the right things, makes all the right moves, and is one the most visually pleasing models. The model, by default, comes with a bald head, but you can customize yours to have hair. With the eleven-inch cock and this model’s long-lasting ability, you probably won’t think too much about hair! This model gives massages and comes with massage oil, candles, and a his/hers silk robe set.

3. The Funny Guy- Fashioned after the likes of Louis C.K and Larry David, you are sure to laugh and have a good time. This model will probably charm the pants off of you. Although you might not expect it, these models “undersell and overdeliver”. Definitely worth giving a chance. This models comes with a few bottles of water, bags of trail mix with even amounts of cashews and raisins, and hand sanitizer.

If you’re a sex toy developer and use my ideas, make sure to cut my check. Don’t forget about the little people, mmkay?

Rock, Paper, Anaconda- Cee Lo Green

Cee lo’s got the kind of voice that makes you want to just lay down and melt. I remember hearing him sing with Melanie Fiona on “Fool for You” and I just thought:

My gosh, I could just diiiiiiiiiie

But I’m not talking about Cee Lo’s ding dong. I like having happy thoughts and that ain’t one of ’em.

This is one of those times that I can’t bring myself to thinking about Cee Lo’s willy because he kinda resembles an oompa loompa and oompa loompas are fun, right?

If there was some device to turn Cee Lo’s voice into a person, I would do that and in my mind, that person has the prettiest nine inches I’ve ever seen. In my mind, when I think of Cee Lo’s voice I see Morris Chestnut. And Morris Chestnut has to have ten inches of chocolate bar waiting for me. He just has to.