Thank The Beautiful Lawn Mower

I got horny today.

It’s been months since anything turned me on. I’m not sure why but nothing was doing it for me. I haven’t bothered with writing on here because I can’t write about sex if I can’t think about sex. For a couple months now all I wanted to do was cook new dessert recipes and play with my pug.

Until today, that is!

I want to play with the guy who will be dropping by to mow the lawn twice a month. That’s two times a month I’ll find a reason to be on my front deck. I don’t care if it’s 98 degrees outside! You gotta see this guy, he’s beautiful!

Mr. Beautiful is white, at least 6 foot 2, has a toned body and a medium kind of build, think like Ryan Reynolds. He’s got a bald head and a full dark beard. He has these big green eyes, and long dark lashes to match.

I wish that I could sneak and take a picture of him and post it on here.

But uh, yeah…
I shouldn’t have shook his hand.

Well, out of being how I am I had to, as we were conducting business, but I shouldn’t have. Had I known that my pussy would wake right up at that point, I would not have done it.
He shook my hand very well. I don’t like floppy fish handshakes, I prefer strong confident ones. His hand was larger than mine and he shook my hand like he meant business. He had smooth yet gruff hands. I can just about imagine his hands holding my ass cheeks while I rode him… I can almost feel him fingering my pussy while I beg for him to untie me…

You ever look into someone’s eyes and just know that you two would have awesome sex?

Well, if you haven’t, you gotta try it. This feeling can bring you to some places.

I feel like I have to go and play with myself just so I can relax.


I Can Lick It and My Husband Won’t Be Mad

I had a convo with Blanco today and we were talking about who we would give eachother a “pass” for, meaning that if the opportunity arose at any point during our marriage, there are certain people we would be allowed to sleep with.

He said Beyonce. I totally get it. If Beyonce came up to me and offered, I wouldn’t pass either.

I said Edward Norton. Blanco laughs and goes “Sure. He’s scrawny anyway.”

Blanco says Jenifer Lewis. I’m cool with her. She’s his type, loud, opinionated, and quick to tear you a new one. (Totally not me… lol….)

I say Morris Chestnut. Blanco says no.

Well, he didn’t JUST say no. His exact words were “Absolutely, positively never going to happen.”

What sucks is that Morris Chestnut has been the man of my dreams since I saw him in Boyz in The Hood. His height, skin color, the sound of his voice… He just does it for me.

So, I’m trying to devise a way that I can have Morris Chestnut without actually having Morris Chestnut. I’ve come up with some ideas.

1. Morris Chestnut Ice Cream: I can lick it and my Husband shouldn’t be mad at all. It will be a chocolate ice cream with hand crafted chestnuts after Morris’ likeness. This will be expensive to make but.. So what.

2. Morris Chestnut lollipops: Similar in taste to a chocolate tootsie pop, the texture will be a hardened candy. The only difference is that the lollipop will be much larger than a regular lolly. In fact, it will be life-sized. And the model lolly will be fashioned after a naked Morris Chestnut. The best part about this lolly is that it will last for a while.

I would make a complete fool of myself with number 2. I would need a dark room and lots of privacy because I would be insanely ashamed if someone walked in and saw me doing all sorts of things to a big piece of candy.

Wet Dreams- Jessie Spano Edition (Elizabeth Berkley)

I know that Jessie Spano was just a character on a TV show… I know that she wouldn’t let any ol’ misogynistic comment slide… I know that she was at times too serious… But I appreciated those things about her.

Jessie just wanted a guy with a mind and some manners. I remember realizing that when I was younger. I also realized that little ol’ female me could do nothing for her but that didn’t stop me from wanting to.

I’ve always had a thing for tall, leggy women so Jessie was absolutely perfect for me. I always imagined making out with her. I could see her putting the same passion that she put into feminist subjects into her kisses.

The idea of making out with Jessie still makes me wet. I want to end up with my head between her legs, with her juices all over my mouth, her above me moaning And saying:

I’m so excited!!

I’m soooo excited!

Only difference is, she won’t cry after she says that… She’ll just cum like crazy while her clit pulsates on my tongue…

Wet Dreams- Anne Hathaway Edition

I didn’t pay much attention to Anne Hathaway until I saw her in The Dark Knight Rises.

It’s not that I didn’t see that she was a cute girl. It’s not that I didn’t notice those big ol’ juicy lips. It’s probably because she wasn’t wearing leather.

I never was much of a leather lover. I leave it for Sisqo and other people like him who wear it well. When I saw Anne Hathaway in her Catsuit… I lost it a little bit. She had these bright lips and her outfit was so snug.. And not snug like “Go and get a size up” but snug like “I wish I were your pants because I wanna be close to that ass”.

Anne Hathaway always looked rather unassuming and cute and that leather made her look like a complete bad girl. I doubt that I could ever see her as the good girl next door type after The Dark Knight. It’s too late for that. I’ve had too many dirty thoughts.

I’ve dreamt of her being a dominatrix and her ordering me around to do silly things, like bark like a dog or make elephant noises. I would happily do it because it would make her happy. I’ve imagined myself making a sound she doesn’t like and her taking her whip and having me make the get on all fours to practice.

Mistress Anne: Bark like a dog.

Me: Woof woof woof

WHAP!! That whip hurts more than I thought it would…

Mistress Anne: Bark like a big dog! You sound like a chuhuahua, and I don’t like chihuahuas!


WHAP!!! Holy shit…. My asscheeks are going to be red…

Mistress Anne: I don’t like rottweilers. Don’t bark like a rottweiler. Bark like a yellow lab.

Me: arrrff arrf arrf?



Mistress Anne: Move your hand! You will take the punishment for not doing as asked!!

I can totally see her just humiliating me in that manner, playing mind games and making me feel stupid… and at the end of it all, it will be totally worth it. Perhaps she’ll reward me by letting me taste her smooth, sweet pussy… Perhaps she’ll make me sit at the edge of the bed while she plays with herself and I will be given the pleasure of her allowing me to use my face as something she wants to squirt on… If I’m lucky she’ll let me lick her ass while she’s on all fours, fucking her pussy with a dildo…

Oh, Mistress Anne…

Wet Dreams- Fiona Gallagher (Emmy Rossum)

Fiona’s entire existence seems to be comprised of a few things, at least during the last season that we saw in 2014. One major part was sex!

I’ve always loved Fiona for knowing that she liked sex and for going out and enjoying it. It reminds me of what was on the printed on the bus at the beginning of Sex and the City:

Carrie Bradshaw knows good sex*

And isn’t afraid to ask

If we ignore the fact that Fiona’s done some pretty awful and morally shittastic things, she’s fucking sexy and can wear the hell out of a tight dress. I love her sex scenes, too. She always seems so in the moment and in the moment is sexy. Who wants to have sex with someone who appears distracted?

I can’t imagine being with Fiona in a sort of lesbian situation, but I can imagine having a good time with her if I were a man. It feels like she wouldn’t want to have sex all night, but quality over quantity sort of sex. The kind that makes you want more the next day, even if your pussy is sore.

Do you like this dark-haired girl as much as I do?

Rock, Paper, Anaconda- Chris Noth

I know that Sex and The City had it’s series finale a long time ago but I never stopped watching reruns. The one man on there that I actually loved a whole lot was Mr. Big.

Dark hair? Check!
Very tall against my own 5’8″? Check!
Well-spoken? Check!

And he looked so good in his suits! He looked like he smelled of expensive cologne. I fucking love that.

I always wanted Mr. Big to bring me to his home and lead me to the office. I imagine him sitting behind his desk and there I am, in the doorway, with a little black dress on. I’d flirt my way over to his lap and we’d kiss while he held onto my ass. We would get to a point where he felt like he absolutely needed to use his large fingers to inspect just how wet I was.

I have different variations in my mind of what actually occurs between Big and I. Some scenarios where he is submissive and I am dominant. Some scenarios where he invites his business colleagues over to watch me play with myself or to watch him fuck me silly.

My dingaling senses aren’t giving me a clear anaconda reading. I just know the dick is goooood

Rock, Paper, Anaconda- Dave Grohl


The first time I had a pussy-tingling view of Dave Grohl was when I saw a performance of “No One Knows” by Queens of the Stone Age. Dave was on drums, it was a live performance and I couldn’t have been more turned on. There is something when a person gets so passionate about something that they love that they lose themselves in it.

Dave was shirtless, sweating, and it seemed like there was this weird disconnect where his arms knew where to go without him even looking like he was thinking about it. It seemed effortless.

So, I imagined him effortlessly bending me over and pounding me out.

Sex can be wonderful when you stop thinking so hard about it, and Dave seems like he is excellent at losing himself.

It would be a travesty to imagine his anaconda being anything less than eight inches.